Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
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I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
So the ex texted me
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals