“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
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[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.