*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
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I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
This came to me in a dream.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
it must be school picture day
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?