I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
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Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.