Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
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[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.