If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
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What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes