Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
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*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Sorry not sorry.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Bike for sale
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.