If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
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[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking