I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
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Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.