If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
You Might Also Like
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”