Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
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Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master