swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
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date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.