wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
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I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*