*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
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You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself