Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
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me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
I’m about to risk it all
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor