Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
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Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.