Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
You Might Also Like
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
😂🤣😂🤣
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.