I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
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One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.