ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
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6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.