Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
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Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
#parenting
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“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
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Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
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Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.