Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
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No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
all that yoga finally paid off
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag