The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
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6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
I wish I could veto my bills.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair