“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
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I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.