Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
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Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.