Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
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What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
how to exercise your calf muscles
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
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I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
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ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
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I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
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1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
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What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.