*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
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Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.