What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
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cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*