IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
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it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Godspeed, John Glenn
Oh my god
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!