me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
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boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
spot the difference
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles