@KalvinMacleod ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
@PanettaSexyTime I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
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@KalvinMacleod 
@AndreTheViking Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
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@jordan_stratton All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
@fightforfood Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
@rockymomax [dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
@MelvinofYork Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
@GensPlace Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
@curlycomedy Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
@causticbob What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
@Fred_Delicious [at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”