Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
You Might Also Like
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
crochet youtube is brutal
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door