I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
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my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
adam and eve had first world problems