my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
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How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Changed my ex’s name in my phone contacts because hearing Siri say, “Your lack of self respect is calling,” while I’m driving is hilarious every single time
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
My life coach traded me.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
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The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.