Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
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I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!