How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
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Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
absolutely not
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.