One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
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ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Me too door. Me too.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.