I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
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Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Fights fire with marshmallows
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Any refunds available?…
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.