Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
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I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.