I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
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[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Monday
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”