grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
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One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Does beer think about me too?
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.