I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
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I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Pretty much! 😂👀
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks