I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
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Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God