WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
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An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
I’m calling the cops.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife