You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
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(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.