Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
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since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Godspeed, John Glenn
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.