Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
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my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.