People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
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“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
So, can we agree on 4 or
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.