Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
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If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
What the hell is going on?
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.