Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
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More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
The opposite of Iceland is water water
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Something Saturday.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God