Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
You Might Also Like
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Breaking news:
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
This kid will have a bright future.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.