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Not my fess but my dentists. As a kid I hated cleaning my teeth, my dentist asked for a few mins to explain it to me, dad left us alone. Dentist pulled out pliers and proper threatened to pull all my teeth out if I had one single cavity next appointment. It worked. Psycho.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
opening twitter today
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Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
They did not think through this water fountain
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My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
superman landing like a plane on his belly
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
What a year we’ve had this week.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
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“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it