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*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Bring back the McRib
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory