I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
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Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.